Chronicles of a twenty-something mom

Orphan

2006-06-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

"I wish I could be there to walk you down the aisle"---Armageddon

I have seen this movie at least a dozen times. I guess with Father's Day approaching this scene, where Bruce Willis is saying goodbye to his daughter to save the planet, has brought about a bit of a sting. You know I can't remember ever celebrating Father's Day. Not in the true sense that is. Yes I grew up with a step-father, I loved him very much, but he was in and out of prison and then later in and out of the hospital until he passed away 14 years ago. I still don't remember ever celebrating it.

So here I am, 28 and an orphan. My mom has been gone for a little over 3 years now and my step-father 14 years ago and the man that is my biological father abandoned me in utero. I did speak with him, once. I was 17 and he called after I had a bit of an argument with my grandmother on his side. (Long story but we ran into them when I was 12 and since that time they kept me a big secret) Well he gets on the phone and his first words were, "you bring back a lot of memories." Now having spent the last 5 years prior to that wondering why, since I met the whole side of his family, he had yet to come and see me or want some kind of relationship with me I was a little bitter. I said in the most teenage sarcastic way, "yeah, well thats funny cause none come to mind." He was a bit taken back and silence ensued. After a moment he asked me how I was, how school was and I told him a little bit about myself. He went on to lecture me on life and responsibility and I cringed inside. Why was this man, who for 17 years dodged his responsibility, lecturing me. I didn't say much but he told me he'd be in town in a couple weeks and that he'd like to have lunch or something. Well that never happened. I never heard from him again. My wedding day has passed and I wish that I had a father that would be brought to tears knowing that he would miss it. I wish I had a father that cared. A father that wanted to know me and was sick inside cause he is not an integral part of my life. If he was dead then I guess it would be easier to accept. It's knowing that this man is alive, that he breathes the same air and yet he wants nothing to do with me. I guess rejection is never easy. Yet at times I wonder if it ever bothers him. If he ever thinks of me. If the portrait I sent him 11 years ago is in some trash somewhere. Huh, I'd just be another form of trash to him. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.
I sit and watch my husband with my kids. Especially my daughter and I am so glad that he adores her. That he plays with her and bugs her and is affectionate and loving. We all want what we didn't have in our lives for our children. For me it isn't material so much. Just two loving parents in a secure home. Knowing that daddy is around and she will grow up with the ability to say, "my dad" warms my hearts.

So Dennis, wherever you are, your missing out and I hope your cowardice keeps you up at night. That you never find peace until you own up to your own responsibility. You'll never rate a "Father's Day" card in my book.

Unshakeable no longer...

2006-05-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

My life right now is pretty uneventful. It is filled with babies, housework and being a wife. Sounds great huh? I love those things, don't get me wrong but a time comes when you get this itch to do more. I am going to enroll in summer courses right now and I should be really excited about that but I guess for some reason the wind has been taken out of my sail so to speak. It's one of those love issues. You know the ones that leave your chest hurting, stomache nauseous and gasping for breath. Yeah that kind. Should it be such a big deal? I don't know what to think. I am sure those out there have certain things that they know about their partner. That if their partner were to ever cross those lines that you would know it would be completely out of character for them. Hence the freaking out. Throw in 15 months of separation/isolation and things begin to blur a little in the mind. It's kind of ridiculous. One little thing can totally throw your emotions out of whack.
What is it??? What happened? Well since no one that knows me reads this I guess I can be a bit honest.
Let me start out with one word....Myspace. Yep the drama starting circle. I am pretty close to shutting down my site but I am sure it would solve nothing. Well me and my hubby have laptops that are identical. I open up one and the site is open and I think it's my computer, (cause I always leave myself logged in), I see a message from a female who I don't know. She's young and attractive and I'm curious so I open it to see it it's another friend request or ode to my page. It was neither. I inadvertantly opened my husbands mail and was on his computer. The email had a bit of a flirtitious nature to it and yes I was peeved. For one, my husband has never been the type to have female friends. NEVER. We've known eachother a long time and he has always shyed away from females. He has had no female "friends". Aquaitences maybe but nothing he'd ever give attention to. Then I find out this is one of the female marines that was with him overseas. So I am sure you can see why my mind has been wandering. We got into a huge fight over it. He removed her but I am sure her emails haven't stopped. I am sure if I had never said anything he would have never removed her. I then visit his site today and see another friend of his and his comment he left on her page. I don't understand it but I am sure I am reading more into it then needed. I am just disappointed. I never thought he would do anything like that. He replied to her emails. He may still be. Maybe I am being naiive. I thought we had such a great relationship and somehow, inside, I feel like it's crumbling. Like I am not enough. He came home dressing different, younger, and he has changed a bit and now he has all these friends that are younger than he is as well. We got married @ 24. He had relationships before but inside Ifeel as if he wants more. Like I am not enough anymore. I am just a mom who is trying ot get her figure back after 2 kids. Still trying ot finish up school and make something of myself. Things suck all over for me. I have 2 medical issues going on and so I push myself too hard sometimes and pay for it later. I don't know. I am probably not making any sense but I guess you can see I am shaken. Isn't this how these things start? Little "innocent" emails? He says I am not confident in us and that I have no trust. See that hurts because before all this I was unshakable. I think I handled him being gone very well. He says he never has a question of me doing anything yet, I don't email men at all, other than the ones that are gay on my site or that are family, and I am not away from him and isolated for extended periods of time. If he thinks this is ok I think about how much other stuff he isn't telling me. What other "secrets" are there? Can we sit down and talk about these things? No cause he turns everything around on me. Then I walk away feeling more like shit then I did when we first sat down. The way things are going I don't like. Knowing this month he will be going back to drill and back aroudn all these people is making me a bit uneasy. No one hears me though, no one can relate. Not even my prayers are heard. If this is what allt he money we saved bought I'd rather have nothing and have all of him.

Life

2006-04-20T01:33:00.000-07:00

I was spending time watching my kids play today and yes, I got all teary eyed. I know, I've been emotional lately. Anyhow I am so grateful for the family I have. Life isn't easy and it hasn't been particularly easy for me but my greatest rewards are the two children that call me mommy and the man that calls me wife. I guess with the crap that happens from day to day we can get caught up in life's disappointments and lose sight of what is really important. I look at my kids and hope that I am around to see them grow and to see them live life and see their children and their children's children with my husband by my side. Something that my mom never got the chance to do. Her life was cut short and not only was she robbed of that blessing but we were as well. I guess with Mother's day coming around I still can't get around that sorrow you feel in your gut knowing that she is gone. That I don't have a mother to honor. It is overshadowed by the fact that I am a mom now but it still is a bit bittersweet. I don't want my children to feel that. I know that we can't control what happens. Life is unpredictable, but we can hope and pray for the best. It's worked so far.

Finally!

2006-04-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get into blogger for a few days and finally its working. Things here have been pretty low key. Just enjoying life with my little family. I never realized how much I enjoyed being a wife and a mom. I know that sounds pretty corny but I really do love my family and am blessed.
So anyhow what is going on? Well I am trying to plan out my son's first birthday party for next month. CRAZY!!! Time has flown by and it serioulsy doesn't feel like a year. He isn't quite walking yet but he is cruising around. The weather here in California SUCKS right now. It has been raining for a month straight. I want sunshine! I originally planned on having his birthday at a park and renting a jumpy house for the kids but now I am stressing a bit. If this weather keeps up we will have to find somewhere else to do it. I really don't want it at the house cause we usually have about 50 people show up and I really don't feel like having to clean up after them all. The kids will be cramped in with the adults. It is just NUTS!

Anyhow other than that I am going to go back to work soon. I have an interview set up and hopefully it'll work out with childcare and everything. Of course I'm a bit worried cause I still have issues with a work injury from when I was working around the holidays. I am most likely going to have to have surgery on my wrist and injections in my back. I don't know I really want to work and move forward with school so hopefully it all works out.
Other than that we are house hunting. Our lease is up in June and we don't want to get caught up in another one. My husband is set to buy a house so we meet with a realitor soon so wish us luck.

Ok time to cook dinner...

He's Home!!!

2006-03-16T11:33:00.000-08:00

Yes he got in on tuesday night and I am so happy. It has been such a long time and I was so nervous. Just to be in his presence though is a great feeling. We already have our adjustment issues to go through but so far so good. I have to be a little sensitive to the fact that he has been gone a long time and isolated from any kind of "normal" life. He has only had to look after himself and the emotional aspect has been pretty closed off. I keep wanting things to be just like they were before he left. He was always so affectionate. This time its a bit slow going. When we are around crowds of people he stiffens up and is always scanning the area. Poor baby. He just needs time to unwind so I've stepped back a bit and will allow things to just happen naturally. I have class this saturday but I think I am not gonna go so that he isn't overwhelmed by the kids for 8 hours. He hasn't had to take care of any kids for a while and when he did it was just the baby. So he's gonna have to ease into it. So far so good.
Wish us luck!

So relieved!

2006-03-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

Well he made it!!! He is now in the states and in two days he will be home! I can't believe it and I am so excited. Now I can rest easy. He is out of harms way and ready to get home. The next few weeks are going to be great!!! Napa Valley here we come! I am in the process of getting my house together. Almost done completely but I still feel as if I am going to be racing against the clock. I try to change things a bit in the house every time he comes home from a deployment. I don't know why but I have to.
Anyhow I also am getting some lingerie and stuff for us. When he left I was pregnant and when he did come home for the birth I looked horrible. I was extremely swollen after because of all the medications I was given, (rough delivery), and so the swelling didn't go away until like, 2 weeks after my son was born, and my hubby was already gone. So I have lost all my pregnancy weight and am smaller than I was before I got pregnant with my son. My goal was to be as small as I was before I ever got pregnant but because of a back and wrist injury I haven't been able to work out as hard as I was. I look fine though and am happy but theres always room for improvement. Of course when we get in the same room together I am not gonna care! It's been WAY too long!

The waiting

2006-03-03T02:41:00.000-08:00

I know its so close to him coming home but I can't help but feel a little down. I am rushing around getting my house in order and I still have so much I'd like to get done before he comes home but, well, I just want him home. It has been so long since I felt his touch, his embrace, his kisses, his skin or the warmth of his breath against my ear as he confesses his love. I miss him. The feeling is so intense I can't even describe it. It's like a craving. You know that feeling when you haven't eaten all day and you go to a resturant and order a nice, juicy steak and all you can think about is how good it is going to taste. It feels as if those minutes before it comes to your table last forever.
Yep that is how I feel.
Because it is close to him coming back I don't have the luxury of hearing his voice as much as usual. Him leaving Iraq is going to be quick and he won't be able to contact me until he is safely in Kuwait. I hate this part. The waiting.
I will be so happy when he gets home though. He tried so hard to surprise me with a getaway but we had an issue with a credit card, (cancelled because of inactivity), so he had to spill the beans. That's ok though. I was so shocked when he revealed where he is taking me. I had been drooling over this place but because of the price I thought it was a bit outrageous. Nothing is too high of a price though for him. I can't wait to go. Just me and him for a few days.
Till then I'll sit here and pout and wait.

Luckiest woman alive

2006-03-01T01:22:00.000-08:00

My mind can't get off the fact that my honey will be home soon. (This may be mushy so if you can't stand it simply close the window...)

I have to say I am a very lucky woman. You know I never, ever thought I would get married and never in a million years thought I would have the man of my dreams. I know that sounds so cliche' but its true.

We had such a rough road dating but I am so glad that I seen the light and that he was so persistant. I was so unsure of love you I guess you can say. I remember the first sign of affection and we didn't really KNOW eachother. I had the butterflies and the blushing and everything. We had some issues along the road, some confusing and born simply out of miscommunication, but all in all that feeling around him never faded. I was scared. I admit it. First and foremost of love and well more simply, affection was a bit foreign to me. He showered me with attention and with gifts and I freaked out a bit. All that I was ever given had a price tag on it and the affection sort of scared me too. I have a bit of a shaky past so letting a man in was hard. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want him to stop but I was just scared.

Also we had become such good friends that whole, "I don't want to ruin our friendship" thinking came into play. Through all the hoops he had to jump and all the long conversations, the breakups, the walking on eggshells he was there. He took care of me. He wanted me and only me. There was that feeling when we were in the same room together everyone else just faded away. I couldn't help that. I remember when he left for bootcamp. We were not speaking to eachother (huge misunderstanding and because we are both stubborn we both didn't want to humble ourselves) I tried to look strong and like I didn't care but the truth was that I was broken inside. I spent many sleepless nights thinking of him. He robbed me of my peace while I did sleep. I went off to school and was busy with academics but he still was in the corner of my mind. I cried so much that year it was insane. I thought I lost him. There was no closure to what happened with us. I didn't know if we were broken up or what. He left so quick that we never had that discussion. I remember writing him to finally break the silence, get closure and move on. I thought that this was it so I told him how much he meant to me and asked forgiveness if I ever hurt him and also told him I forgave him as well. I felt that was the end. I got a letter back from him and it only contained a cloth badge with his last name embroidered on it and a piece of paper with a huge smile drawn on it. Me being the girl that I am was so confused by it but left it alone. I wrote him again and when he wrote back he wrote the sweetest words. How he thought of me every night. How we were such great friends and he missed talking to me. I still didn't know 100% where we stood but I was happy to just hear from him.

One weekend I came home from school. I was sleeping in my old room on the floor. I had found out from a friend that he was home on leave the night before. I thought since I didn't see him that we were just on a friendship level. I woke up to hearing my mom all excited and saying hi to someone. My door was closed so I just rolled over. The knock came at my bedroom door and I turned over and I seen him, standing there in his dress blues. I was so taken back and tears immediately rushed down my face. I said hello and hugged him and we just sat and talked for a while. We went to church and the whole time I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Later I found out that we were a whole lot more than just friends .

From that point on I gave 100% of myself. I held nothing back. The risk was worth it. It was risk it all or have nothing. It was unfair of me to hold back. He always gave me all of him. He went on to leave for about 10 more months but through that time we talked almost everyday. (We both had the phone bills to prove it) He came home for a few weeks during that time and and tried to surprise me for Valentine's Day. Stupid flights weren't available so he had to come home a little later. It was ok though, at least he was home.

We had the best time those few weeks. Everyone was neglected but we were happy. Marriage was talked about for the first time, seriously, and then he had to leave again. All this time apart but he remained faithful.

The next few years so much changed and my life got really complicated but he was there. Holding my hand and sometimes holding me up completely. I will never forget probably the most trying time in my life. I was nervous cause my mom had just not been herself lately. She couldn't remember things, she was walking as if she was drunk, her mood swings were more intense than ever. She fell on day and that fall convinced her to let me take her to the hospital. I thought the worse case scenario was stroke. They gave my mom something for pain and she was sleeping a bit. Listening to the doctors ask her the same questions and hear her responses delayed and just sometimes making no sense made me worry. They were taking her for a cat scan of her brain and her chest so while they did, they said it would be a while, we went to grab something to eat. I remember the car ride. I kept telling myself things would be ok, I kept crying thinking the worst but then thought I was silly to think something really bad was wrong. I gained back my confidence only to have it smashed to pieces. I walked in the room and the ER doc came in. She was so sweet. She asked my mom if she wanted her to explain or if she wanted to say it. My mom was silent and couldn't even look up at me. That feeling in my gut resurfaced. The doctor said my mom had several large lesions in her brain and two serious ones in her chest. I looked at Tim and his face so sweet. I was standing and my knees felt like they were going to buckle. Somehow the words formed and passed through my lips, "how serious?" The doctor answered, "Very serious, very very serious". I fought back, with all the strength that I could muster, I pushed the tears back. My brain was racing, I was processing, analyzing, interpreting the information the doctor was giving me. She said, "I'm going to give you a few moments, ok, when you are ready I will show you the films and then answer your questions". She hugged me and left the room.

I was falling apart inside. I wanted to curl up and just let the world fade. If he wasn't there with me I would have lost it. I would have curled up next to my mom and cried and cried. Right now she didn't need that. There was fear in her voice and she needed to cry. I sat and talked to her and tried to not let my voice crack. Every time a tear would stream down my face he would wipe it away. Every time my voice cracked he would squeeze my hand. He was holding me up. I remember not being able to stare at him cause I would crumble in his gaze. I wanted him to hold me but that moment wasn't the time. Although his arms physically weren't holding me, emotionally he was. I had to excuse myself. He sat with my mom and spoke with her. He comforted her while I lost it in the restroom. I made the phone calls I needed to make and lit the match that started the wildfire of response.

We got her settled and then it was time to go. I collapsed in his arms. He stayed with me all night that night. I cried and cried. He never left my side. He held me and he didn't have to say a thing. The same happened in her death. I was told of her passing and I got in my car and drove home to our house we had moved into. On the way I detoured and tried to take in what I was just told. I drove in the driveway and there he was. He met me outside and held me up. He took me to our room and I lost it. I wept. I cried so hard the neighbors probably heard me. He just laid with me. Holding me. His touch calmed me and I fell asleep in his arms.

What I would do without him, I do not know. I never want to find out. He has been my one gift in life, other than my beautiful kids, that all the hell I went through growing up, all the abuse, rejection, hardships I've faced, were all worth it because they ultimately brought me to him. My gift from God.

Soon my gift returns. He returns from a deployment he volunteered for to secure a future for us. To "Buy me a new life". I never imagined that I would have a man so dedicated, so devoted, so in love with me. One that would stand to protect, to provide, to please no matter what the cost. I am cherished and adored more than I ever thought I would ever be. I am a lucky woman.

Sex: YES please...

2006-02-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

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Or sometimes not...Can you believe that there are some women out there who have NEVER had an orgasm???? Seriously. I was talking to a friend of mine, girl talk, and she revealed this to me. She has NEVER had an orgasm. Ever. I was shocked. Now I am sure we have all had those moments that, due to some circumstance, it just doesn't happen. Yet to go YEARS having sex without ever reaching climax is just wrong. Either he ain't doin it right or there is something that is just inhibiting her from getting there. I think it is the first reason in her case. No wonder why she looks at having sex as fulfillment of duty or obligation. Shit I would to if I never felt satisfaction!
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Only a couple more weeks and the forced celibacy will be over! I am extremely excited. Yes my husband will be home and his return is exciting in so many ways but forgive me for being a bit shallow at the moment. Sex is on the brain. Can you blame me. It has been 15 months since we had any honestly "good" sex. (Well not counting the one time that actually sent me into labor, but due to the circumstances I couldn't really enjoy it)
It has been seriously rough for me so I can't imagine what it would be like for him. He is so great though. I have married a wonderful man who is devoted to me completely.
So maybe now I will finally have some relief from my migraines. Maybe it was the absence of sex and the release it brings that has forced me to have this crazy and disabling headaches. Hmmm I guess we will just have to find out.
The next couple weeks are going to trickle by. I just know it. Time always creeps by when you are waiting for something to happen. I am still in the process of getting my house together so I am sure I will be busy with that but still. There isn't enough stuff in the world to keep my mind off the fact that soon life will return to normal. I won't be a single parent and I will have my other half to rely on. I am so happy. So excuse me if another hiatus from blogging occurs. I am sure you'll understand.

His gifts are limitless

2006-02-21T02:05:00.000-08:00

I am a lucky woman. Really I say that and mean it wholeheartedly. My husband is the greatest. He will do anything to provide for me and his children. This deployment was for us. He says for me. Have you ever heard that song by Everclear, "I will buy you a new life"? That is what he works so hard for. I grew up and had it rough. When we were first dating I was so scared by all the attention, affection and gifts that he showered me with. My husband knows only one way to do things and thats all the way. In the beginning of our relationship I gave him hell. Only because I wasn't use to love that way. Everything I got came with a price tag. Gifts were negative to me. Either they had strings attached or they were given in place of affection. I wanted him to know that for him to express his love to me he didn't need to spend money. I mean gifts are nice, believe me, but they aren't the only way. I didn't really need to explain myself because he knew exactly how to express himself to me that way. He won me over.
Recently things have been financially tight. My husband extended his deployment so that we could save more money to purchase a house. He missed out on our son's early months of life, on seeing our daughter grow and sacrificed a year out of our relationship too. Well because things have been tight we have had to dip into the savings to make ends meet. I would work full time but childcare costs are ridiculous right now. We did have pretty much free childcare when my sister lived here but she moved and we were stuck. I would work to essentially pay for someone else to spend time with my kids. Ridiculous. Anyhow so he checked our savings balance and was shocked at the amount of money that had been used over the last few months. Believe me it was all to necessity. We did have a little argument over the money and then I asked him why, if it was spent taking care of things we NEEDED, he was so upset. Then his almost childlike voice said, "Cause I want to buy you a new life". It choked me up. He has totally changed and taken me from a horrible enviroment onto a new path. Without him I am not sure what I would have done. In my most desperate hours he was there. He helped me put the pieces back together. When I felt as if there was no way out he would either point the direction or kick a whole in the walls to make a way. I never thought I would be loved and cherished as much as I am. Never. I honestly thought I would never marry. I came from a background of sexual abuse. Not one person alone but several. It seemed as if I was a target from an early age. I thought I was unlovable. I was tainted. God helped me through all that but I still had low self esteem. I thought no one would love me. Until I met him. I guess that is why it scared me so much. From the moment I met him his eyes hypnotized me. I became entranced in his gaze. It was as if he could see right through me. Almost as if he knew my thoughts. Like he new everything that hurt me. In his eyes I felt a strength and sense of security. As if they were saying, "No one will ever hurt you again, not as long as there is breath in my body", I was safe. That feeling of security allowed me to open up and allow him in. It made me love unselfishly and give him all that I am. Just as he does. He was my teacher of what love was. You know this sounds cheesy but that song, (I don't know who sings it but its old), that goes, "I wanna know what love is/I want you to show me..." That is really what it was like in the beginning. I remember when we were just on the friendship level and we were talking into the wee hours of the night, we both said something at almost the same time.The statement was, "I want someone to love me as much as I love them". I think then I knew that I was going to marry him. Even though the road that led to that was rough.
He has always dealt with me so gently. Always. Yeah we've had a few yelling matches but that is when our stubborness takes over. Still even then later we make up and everything is ok. Harsh words have been exchanged but not as bad as some couples that I know.
I am blown away by all he does for me. I really am treated like a princess. Something I never got to be when I was growing up.
Soon my husband will return. He will take me up in his arms and when I close my eyes I the world will fade away and the only sound I'll care to hear is the sound of his heart beating in his chest. I know that each beat is for me.
I love you sweetheart. The nusance of distance will soon be only a memory and together hand in hand we will walk once again.

Peaches...

2006-02-20T22:07:00.000-08:00

Its weird how one little, insignificant thing can spark your memory. Today, I was cleaning up my pantry and found a can of peaches. It took maybe seconds for me to hear my mom's voice in my head, "Please come and bring me some peaches". It wasn't a pleasant memory. It takes me back to those days when my mom was laid up in the hospital.

You know you always think that your mom is going to be with you forever. The thought of her ever being gone never crossed my mind before she got sick. I always thought she would see me through all the important times in my life. That when she got old and couldn't take care of herself anymore we would have to take care of her.

Anyhow, back to my wandering mind. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was 8 months pregnant. I was exhausted. We were in the middle of moving. I was close to the end of my rope. My mom had been in the hospital close to a month and the routine for me was to go and visit her every day. When it came close to moving though I would miss a day or so. I felt horrible. My mom would call and ask why I didn't come. I'd explain to her why but her fragile state of mind didn't really grasp or understand. I remember her yelling at me one day and telling me that I didn't care about her. That I was getting my own life together and wanted her gone. That crippled me inside.

I know that in patients that are terminal they tend to lash out at those closest to them. The social worker had warned me of that. It still didn't soften the blow. I too was in a fragile state. So my reaction was understandible. I just cried. I was defeated I felt so I wasn't going to fight with her. My reassurance brought no comfort to her so I just sat in silence. She always called later and said sorry or that she loved me. Sometimes she didn't remember the conversation at all.

This particular day was hard. I was at the old house all day gathering more stuff and moving it to the new house me and my husband were renting. I also was looking for a place for my aunt and sister. I had a couple places I had to check out. I remember being disappointed cause one place wasn't going to work out and no one else really wanted to help. I had went to go back to the house to pick up another box of stuff and I started contracting. Once that happened that was it. I had a modified bed rest order but that wasn't going to happen for me then. I didn't have the luxury and figured I was far enough along that if the baby was born she would be ok. She might have needed a bit of help but we'd be ok. Doesn't sound smart to me now but hey I was desperated and stressed. Anyhow once they got strong I got in the car and came home and lied down. I was suppose to go and visit my mom for a while.

"Shell, can you please bring me some peaches?" she pleaded on the other end of the line. I was so tired, contracting and on the verge of tears. Pregnancy doesn't help the emotions in the slightest. It told my mom I couldn't. That I was having contractions again. As I spoke those words I knew she thought it was an excuse. She asked if my husband could but he was still at work. I felt horrible. She said, "Fine then!" and hung up the phone.

I remember collapsing in my husband's arms and crying myself to sleep. Right now, as I look back, I think it wasn't about peaches at all. She was just lonely. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes.

Lonely, that was my mom's life. After my step-father died a part of her died as well. My mom would come home and go straight into her room. She'd only come out to eat. She'd just eat, smoke, watch TV and play on her computer. (Wow she was a great multi-tasker cause she did all that at once...lol) Her weeks consisted of work and her weekends of Costco. Where she would get a break from the daily grind but would be forced to face herself. She would realize how lonely she was. She would get pissed from time to time and I don't blame her. I don't know a whole lot about my mom's life before I was around and from what I do know my mom made her share of mistakes. Yet as I think back on her life she lived a hard one. Just from when I can remember it was full of ups and downs.

My mom was a single parent as long as I can remember. Even when she was married she still was the main breadwinner. She took all the finances on her shoulders. My mom was a proud woman. She could have taken the easy route and used the system and collected money that way but she wouldn't. She didn't want us to ever get caught up in that. Perhaps she was too proud at times. I mean ask me or my brother about buying our gym outfits from the school. She would purposely wait until they threatened to affect our grade in P.E. before she would cave and give us the money. It was the principle of the matter. She'd always say, "what about the kids that REALLY can't afford it? Are they going to flunk them because they can't buy their damn shorts!" She was a rebel...lol.

She worked hard. I don't know how she did it. Where she pulled money from in times of need I don't know. My mom was so giving. I think that trait has been burned in us. My mom gave out of sacrifice not out of abundance. I remember we lived on beans and rice for a while and because someone else was less fortunate where we lived she would give food away. She believed that God would provide everything we needed. She was a true woman of faith.

Then all hell broke loose and my step-father was diagnosed with AIDS. Instead of leaving him she walked that walk with him. She was always positive with him and helped him fight. It was a rough time for all of us. As a kid then we were told to be silent. Not to speak of what was going on at our house. People wouldn't understand and back then it was true. She always put on a strong face and created a sense of security for us. Yeah I had alot of responsibility back then, but it was pale in comparison to what she was dealing with. I never seen a tear though. Whether or not that was good or bad doesn't matter now. I am sure it was the only way she new how to cope.

Then death came. The death of her soulmate. I seriously can't imagine watching my husband be eaten away by disease and knowing that he was going to die. How do you go on?

We were cleaning and sanitizing the house that day,(as was routine for any return from the hospital), and I heard the screen door screech open. I looked up and first saw only the silhouette of my mom. I looked behind her, usually she'd be pushing the wheelchair with my step-father, and seen nothing. As she came into focus I saw the look on her face. I knew then that he died. She immediately came to us to comfort us. I seen her cry for the first time in a long time. One lonely tear stained her face. She wiped it away and continued consoling us. I would have been sobbing. I am sure my mom grieved in solitude. All by herself and alone.

After that my mom became bitter. Can you blame her? She cut herself off from everyone. She had tremendous mood swings and would lash out at us. I didn't understand it then but maturity has defeated my ignorance. She would tell us often that she didn't want to live. In anger she would tell us at times that it was because of us that she had to keep breathing. That hurt me but I didn't understand why she was saying these things. She was hurting.

Pain and loneliness became the theme of my mom's life. She would get so frustrated at life at times. One thing I admired, in all my mom ever went through, she never turned away from God. No matter how much this life felt like hell to her she never threw her hands up in the air and said, "there is no God".

So maybe her dying was an answer to her prayers. She wanted to be reunited with her husband, her father, her sister and her best friend. Above all else she wanted to be at the throne of God. Where she felt no more pain, no more torment, and no more lonliness. People say, "Your mom is looking down on you.", but with a small grin on my face I think, "No she's not, she is where she always wanted to be and although I miss her I would not have it anyother way". Her torture was my torment. Unless she could be here and have heaven on earth I wouldn't want anything to change. She deserves to be happy.

MD of arrogance

2006-02-20T09:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hate seeing doctors. Really when I say hate I think my blood pressure begins to come to a boiling point when I am in the room with some. Don't get me wrong. I admire the profession. There are some doctors who are just so full of themselves that they walk in the examining room and the arrogance almost chokes you. Why even speak. They give you a look over and in their minds, without even asking a single question, before your mouth even forms words, they have diagnosed you. So when they do begin the interview they are gathering evidence that proves their preconception. So they can say when all is said and done, "I was right" pat themselves on the back and walk into the next room. All, I might add, without holding any eye contact whatsoever. In my search for a Primary care doctor for my family I have been to quite a few offices. I have seen many doctors in many different stages in their careers and in their arrogance. I've been to the soon to retire doc who would rather shove pills at you, to the doc that is early in the game and overwhelmed and a bit irritated by you MAKING AN APPOINTMENT to bother them, the well seasoned who "know everything" before you speak, see above and very rarely, the compassionate doctor. The doctor that yes, is confident in their abilities, well seasoned, overwhelmed but its only the tense sigh that would lead you onto that, and ones that actually use those two things on the sides of their heads and listen to you. Listens and has that notion to want to help. That still somehow, through all that they have seen, heard, accomplished, they take the time to genuinely help. Not pacify you or stroke their own ego's. Through all their experience they have fought the fight against professional callousness. Which in the medical profession is so easy to succomb to. All the doctors I have come in contact are a bit arrogant. Yet how they handle themselves is what makes the difference. Why can't all doc's be like my OB/GYN. She is awesome. She sits, listens, takes her notes, discusses with you options. Doesnt' tell me what I should do but gives me a few options. If I ask her a question that may take a bit longer to explain or that she may have already explained and just needs to clarify she takes the time. Above all, she looks me in my eye. She talks to me, not at me. When she walks in the room her chart is in the fold of her arm and her gaze is in my direction. She listens, to every little complaint, and although her nod tells me that she hears me, that its a typical symptom, she never voices it or shrugs it off. It's valid. She takes it into account. As I speak I can see her sifting my words but it is done in a caring and considerate manner. When I ask a question she answers not in one word, not abruptly, cutting me off as if she KNOWS the rest of the question, not in a matter of fact tone but in a tone that tells me, "go ahead ask more." All accomplished in a very brief time frame. I come out of the office validated for my concern, appeased because it was nothing to be concerned about, and comfortable to come back and be open about anything in the future. The primary doc that she sent me to is the same.
So what's the problem then? Well due to a work injury I have to go and see a doctor that I use to work with. This is also hard because the terms under which my employment was terminated were very SHADY. I was in the hospital because of complications of my pregnancy early on and although I was on disability, I was called and told that I was terminated. When I hurt myself and seen that they used this clinic I cringed. Not only because I would face the three people who screwed me over but because I would have to face Dr. Arrogance. He knew everything. He picked up a chart in his oh-so-cocky way, glanced at it, would open the door with his pathetic knock and misleading, "can I come in", only to return later and hand down orders without so much as a glance in your direction. I had to be his patient once before and his slimy hands had to touch my ankle. They made my skin crawl. There was no reason to caress my ankle the way he did. He wasn't concerned. No on the other hand he was trying to work his charm, like he did with the nurse and the other somewhat attractive MA's that worked there, and get a bit closer. As I pulled away, shutting down his advance, leaving him standing there in front of me holding now an invisible ankle, he turned back in to Dr. Arrogance, he dropped my gaze and his hands, grabbed my chart and left the room. I really dont' want to see this person. He makes my skin crawl. Because he is the director I have to. Believe me if the back pain and the numbness in my two fingers was gone I would say goodbye to the clinic forever. Yet I am still up all night, the tingling and numbness in my fingers is still ever present and my stay there will continue until I am whole again.

Insomniac

2006-02-16T01:57:00.000-08:00

How have I survived these 15 months. I am not sure at all. I cannot sleep. It's only when its time to wake up that my brain concurs with my body and wants to shut down. It's pretty annoying. Kinda wierd too. When my husband came home for the birth of our son I slept so soundly. Yet the insomnia came back the day he left. I feel like a dog that just waits and waits by the door/window for his owner's return. Have you ever seen a dog do this? We have a dog thats pretty old and she is attached to my aunt. My aunt is a dialysis patient so she goes 3 times a week. Anyhow the dog will moan and groan and wander the house until the all familiar beep of the transport service is heard. She then will get even more crazy until she comes through the door. Anyhow that's how I feel. I am going crazy inside and the closer the time comes to my husband walking through the door the more anxious I feel. Aghh, I guess until then I will continue to count the endless line of sheep running through my mind. 9,969...9,970...9,971.............

Express yourself

2006-02-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

Probably the most complicated emotion ever created. It makes us do crazy things, but our lives would be boring without it. I know mine would. I remember in one of my psych classes when we were studying that aspect of human nature and it was pretty interesting. I had many "uh-huh" and "wow" moments. You can't really pinpoint what causes the intensity of emotion that it brings. That is why sometimes when you say "I love you" it doesn't seem like those words are enough ya know? It's cool though. Lately love, as it pertains to the commited relationship, has been on my mind alot. I think of the beginning stages of a relationship. The part where we crave to develop intimacy on every level, where we are driven with passion, one so intense that you never, ever want to be apart. Where those things melt together and birth an unspoken commitment. The point in a real relationship where mutually you just "know" you are meant to be together. Then what happens??? More than likely marriage follows suit. Then things start to fade. Kinda weird how it happens. The chase is gone. When the chase is gone the passion fades. Their is love and in fleeting moments your heart feels what it felt in the beginning but quickly fades to the monotonous daily routine. It creeps in every area of the relationship. Especially the bed. Or maybe it starts there. Then later you find a couple who you seen were so passionate about one another now are at the end and ready to call it quits. Can you restart and go back to the beginning? Man I never want to get to that point. Really. I know though that life brings many surprises and difficulties. Life isn't easy and pile on children and finances and crap and it just gets harder. When I was reading though one thing just stuck out in my mind. Consumate Love. Sternberg described this love as the most complete form of love consisting of all three components, intimacy, passion and commitment, all in balance. He goes on to say that this type of love is the ideal form of love that many strive for but few actually achieve and also is the hardest to maintain. A thing he said that stuck out was, "Without expression, even the greatest of loves can die". How true is that. Expressing love. Hmm probably the easiest thing we can do yet we find it the hardest sometimes. Probably from our different perceptions on how we express it. To me I think it to be the little extra things. We do naturally express our love for eachother by the things we are commited to do to maintain our life together. You know the gender roles come into play a bit here but I am not saying this as a bias one way or the other. Usually men express it as being the provider and the fortress of security for the family. Women also work too now-a-days so I am not negating that fact, I too am a working wife most of the time. Yet we as women also take the role of the house and the kids, we create that nurturing enviroment. Its an instinctual thing. So if you get offended by this sorry you might be missing the point a bit. I know that I am an independant woman. I work and have career goals for myself. It comes naturally to me though to take care of the house, cooking and taking care of my husband. Making sure he has food to eat and clean clothes to wear. He helps out as well but the majority of that type of work, including taking care of the kids falls on my shoulders. Just as the financial aspect of our life. Yes I work and bring some income but he provides the financial stability. He works hard to make sure we have what we need. A disarray and disorderly house is judged by others as the failure of the woman and a lack of financial stability is totally looked at as a failure of the man. It kind of unique how that happens but in all reality its truth.

Back to my point we get blinded by this in marriage I think. Its like in our minds we say, "I express myself everyday by going to work or taking care of the house". What is really lacking are those other things. The things that were done in the beginning. You know flowers for no reason at all, love notes, little gifts, compliments, romantic guestures. We tend to overlook all that and mistake romantic expression for sex. Sex is essential for a relationship, but it cannot be used as the sole expression of love. It's only an enhancer.

Man, love is work. Every second of everyday. We seem to get so busy with life that we overlook what is truly important. Don't let the passion fade from your relationship. It should be a part of your life daily. Dont' save it just for anniversaries, birthdays and any other special occasion but put the work in cultivating it daily. Kids are important and it is important to focus on them but never lose sight of the one you created those children with. After those kids move away and create their own lives you will be left with that person you fell in love with and again it will be you and them alone. Don't put off the work of love until then. Some people don't make it that far for that very reason.

Never a dull moment

2006-02-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

So this week is a bit crazy. I am getting back into the routine of school and I am also getting ready for my daughters 3rd birthday party this sunday. I have a lot of running around to do before the main event. On top of that BOTH of the kids have ear infections and my son is really congested and only wants mommy to hold him. So doing anything without him attached to me is almost impossible. I am still having issues with my back and my fingers in my right hand are still numb. So I am trying to get to the gym at least 3 times a week but this week so far has been shot. Oh well I can only do so much.
Of course with all that going on my daughter always seems to crack me up. We went to see her Pediatrician for her 3 year check up and everything was going good. We had rehearsed the physical before hand otherwise my daughter would have not let the doc touch her. My daughter is VERY talkative though. So as soon as the doctor walks in she looks at me and waits for me to greet the doc. I say hi, shake hands and then the doc greets my daughter and we were off. My daughter was pretty compliant and I was happy it was going well. Until the doctor had to examine her tummy. I came to her side and she is doing the normal feeling around and my daughter is laughing cause the doctor touched her rib and tickled her a bit. We were done and my daughter sits up and says, "Um Dr. don't touch my boobs, um and don't touch my privacy only I can" I just looked at the doctor and we both started cracking up. It was too funny. I couldn't believe she said that.
Then today, I come home from the store and have to relieve myself in the worst way. I was doing the dance and everything. Well I run to the bathroom in our room and right away unbutton and sit. I am sitting there and for a second I just feel something really sticky on my right cheek. As I stand to pull up my pants I notice that there is something on the toilet seat and consequently on my ass. It's blue, its minty, yes people it is colgate. My daughter had smeared toothpaste all over one side of the toilet seat and I was the lucky person to discover it. I was upset for a second, cause I had to get out of the house and do a couple more errands, but then just started laughing again. I can say that my kids bring such an exciting element to my life every day. I am told it only gets better from here.

Pursuit of the dream

2006-02-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

Ever sit and feel like a total failure? You look back on the years that have passed and wish you could go back, with the knowledge you have now, and do things differently. Guess today I've had one of those moments. My biggest fear is just that, failing. I sat in a class today and felt so out of place. I felt as if I should have taken this years ago. I was surrounded by people younger than me and a few of them are friends of mine. It is fun sometimes to hang with the younger crowd. Not to try and capture or relive your youth but to hear them talk about life and their different trials and tribulations. You know some of them have their heads on straight and are mature enough to take things seriously but some just walk around with that careless attitude. I ran into a friend today who I had another class with. This class was a bird course. CAKE!! All you had to do was show up and participate in the discussions. No tests at all. No final. We had to do weekly assignments that were really, really no brainers. Just asking how we felt about certain topics. I said hi and asked him how he did in the class. He was like, "Man I dropped that shit". He said it with a huge smile on his face like it was the coolest thing in the world. He dropped it the LAST day of class. Only thing that we had to do for our final was be there. The whole time I'm thinking, "this kid has no clue!" Guess the positive thing was that he was in school at all. The class was an easy A and a requirement by the way so he will have to retake it again. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I was the same. If my attitude about school then was what kept me back. I don't think so. I had big dreams when I was a kid. Dreams that were stepped on by people I respected. Dreams that I was told would never happen cause I wasn't ever going to be able to attend college.
See growing up I came from the poor neighborhood. I lived in the ghetto. The real ghetto. Not suburban ghetto. Gangs, drug dealers, drive-bys the works. You name it, we lived in it. My step-father was continuously in and out of prison and my mom was a single parent most the time. She was the one who worked her ass off to provide for us...all 6. Anyhow from the time I could remember I had dreams of being a doctor. I really felt in my heart that was what I was going to become. I remember sharing this with my mom one time and she told me, "well you need money to become a doctor so don't get your hopes up." That was the first blow. I was in second grade. Then in 7th grade I had to write a report on what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go to school and why. I found that report about 3 months ago and read through it. I wrote that I wanted to be an OB/GYN. That I wanted to go to Stanford University and go to Medical School. That I wanted to deliver babies and help women. My teachers reaction, "You better pick another career cause you dont' have the drive or personality to be a doctor. Your lucky if you become a nurse or something else. The odds are against you." Another blow to my self esteem. I was so hurt I remember walking home from school in tears. I hated the neighborhood we lived in. I hated seeing my mom struggle to put food on the table. I was extremely introverted at the time but mostly because of what was going on at home. See, while I was in middle school my step-father was dying. He had AIDS. Back then we weren't allowed to talk about it. The school counseler requested that and my mom drilled it into our heads to not say a word. After that encounter with that teacher I started lashing out in anger. I started fighting in school and cutting all together. I didn't apply myself anymore. After all, the odds were against me anyhow. I had lots of crap that went on in my childhood and with the death of my step-father I begin to relive the sexual abuse I went through. I opened up to my mom only to have her shut me up and doubt me. It was hard. Going into high school I carried even more anger and pain. I could have been worse that I was but deep inside I knew I was different. My friends were having sex and most of them, literally, were getting pregnant. At 15 I wanted no part of that. I had boyfriends but I just didn't want to go there. I was afraid of what my father died of and also didn't want to feel pressured into doing something with someone I really didn't care deeply about. I screwed up my freshmen and sophmore years in high school. I cut most of my freshmen year and didn't go for the first 4 months of my sophmore year. A little latitude was given to me due to the death in the family. The best thing ever happened though, we moved. I got to start over and tried so hard to get things back on track. I went to see a guidance counselor and see what I needed to do to graduate so that I could apply to colleges without getting laughed at. The counselor I seen was horrible. Again told me that I would be lucky to graduate and that I would never get into a college so I should aim for nursing instead of an MD. So I guess that was it. I fought hard to graduate, which I did with my class, but college dreams faded away. I got involved in church. Deeply involved. I spent 2 years interning with the children's pastor and a year in the youth ministry and thought that was what I was suppose to do. I was going to be a pastor. I went and enrolled in a Christian College and went away to live on campus. It was a great experience. I loved it but my heart still wasn't happy. There was other things going on. Most importantly was ironing out drama that happened between my boyfriend at the time (my husband now). Anyhow I was doing great in school. I was leading a women's ministry and speaking in chapel but still didn't feel that, "I've arrived" feeling. The spring came and I had no money left for school. My financial aid ran out and my mom used my money for the next semester to bail my brother out of jail. So I had to come home. The next year was crazy. I got in a bad car accident, got back with my boyfriend, worked for a large company and then got laid off then right as I was going back to school found out that my mom had cancer. She had stage 4 Lung Cancer so I was the only one around able to take care of her. I took another year off to do so. In that year I got engaged, found out I was pregnant, moved in with a new house, settled my mom's needs and she passed away. My husband left for Iraq and out of need I went back to a job in the healthcare field. I became an MA. Which was ok but I still wanted to do more. I then became a phlebotomist, which I still love doing but now I am pursuing my BSN. My heart still has hopes that I can get into Medical school but if not I'll be happy just to be able to help care for patients. Where did that MD passion come back alive? From one of my doctors oddly enough. I have seen several doc's. My first doctor that I had for my prenatal care with my first baby was not impressive. My primary wasn't either and neither was the pediatrician I had. I thought to myself that maybe a doc wasnt' what I should be. Maybe I was just foolish. It's too late anyhow right? Then I met the doc who delivered my son. My first visit, with a pregnancy I lost, I was a bit pissed. I had an appointment and it took 45 minutes after I had been in the room and undressed for me to see anyone. I was almost ready to put my clothes on and walk out. She walked in the room and just her presence was soothing. She apologized for the delay and sat and actually talked and listened to me. She talked about things other than just the pregnancy. She took her time with things, no rushing. I liked her immediately. After I got pregnant again, with my son, she had asked me why I was going back to school. I told her for nursing but she said I didnt' sound very happy with that. I told her what I really wanted to do, feeling a bit embarrassed and she told me without hesistation, Go for it. She shared her story with me, she went to med school at 31 and had 2 kids and though it was hard it was well worth it. So I guess my plan is similar to what she did. I just feel foolish sometimes because of my age. Sitting in that classroom I felt it as well. There were people 5-10 years older than me but it still didn't appease that feeling or quiet those voices I heard oh so long ago. Yet I also hear my Dr's voice in my head when I begin to doubt and see what a great doctor she has become and I think, "it'll be well worth it and press on. Hopefully one day I'll be able to inspire someone the way she inspired me.

Mindless rambling

2006-02-02T01:09:00.000-08:00

Damn I can't believe school is starting up again. The classes I am taking are cake courses. Which, due to the fact that my husband is coming home, is warranted. I'd probably do horrible if I had to take anything else. They are still requirements so I'm still good. I just can't believe it's here already. Only 1 more month until my other half comes back and I am so excited. So being busy will take my mind off the trickling of time. So what have I been doing....

MOUNDS OF LAUNDRY!!! Since our washer broke I have had to go to the laundry mat (why they call it that I have no clue) and do it there. Um I hate it! I mean we never had a washer/dryer in the house growing up so it should be old hat to me right? Still it sucks. Usually I have to go late so I get to watch the creepy people walk in and out and the bums that want to sleep there keep coming in but when they see me or anyone else in there they take off. It is kinda sad but scary too. People are sick now-a-days so you gotta be on alert all the time. So anyhow I have 4 people to do laundry for. Myself, my 2 kids and my aunt. So right now I am going through piles of clothing. It's crazy that it was only a week that I went last time. We've gotta get the washer either fixed or replaced. SERIOUSLY.

I have to go in for a nerve conduction test on my hand. I am nervous. I mean it's weird I can poke people all day to get blood but when the needles come my way I cringe. These needles of course are like 2 inches long and have to go in my wrist. Why do I always hurt myself. I swear I am so clumsy. Hopefully we'll get to the bottom of the problem though. The two finger on my right hand are still numb.

What is on the agenda with my husband gets back. WEll other than the marital duties we are hoping to get away for a week or so. We need some US time. It'll be nice. I mean it would be AWESOME to go to Hawaii or something but the last thing my husband is going to want to do is get on another long flight. So I will be happy with a weekend in Carmel or Napa or something. Just as long as we are together really is enough. Our anniversary is right around his return so hopefully we'll get to spend this one together.
Time to try and sleep. I dont' sleep much these days so grab it when I can.

Today was beautiful...

2006-01-29T21:32:00.000-08:00

but I still felt like shit. I haven't a clue why. Maybe it was my crappy night out, or maybe a side effect from the anti-nausea medication, or some other asinine reason for feeling crappy. Yeah things just haven't been going the way they should. I guess I could rephrase that and say the way I think they should.
I went out last night with my brother. I haven't gone out in a while and when he said he was throwing a party for his friend I said I'd come. I had a movie date with 2 of my close friends and we seen a movie that I thought absolutely SUCKED. So maybe the night was ruined then. Should've just went home. Nah I had a babysitter and wanted to take advantage of my time out. So I go to the house and all is cool. Everyone is waiting for the stragglers to show so we can go down to the club. We get there and I have a drink. While we are ordering we run into my brother's co-worker who is absolutely SHIT FACED drunk. I mean loud, obnoxious, barely walking and still trying to buy a drink, the whole bit. I felt bad for her. It was barely 11pm and her night was over but ours with her was just beginning. Her friend takes her and is trying to settle her down and we proceed to try and have a good time. It was over the minute we ran into...we'll call her...becky...yeah. Well all attention is diverted to Becky who is trying to dance but is bumping into people, (she's a bit large) and knocking drinks out of peoples hands. She is getting to be a problem and soon is going to be kicked out so after a while my brother takes her outside. We all go out to find him. There he is trying to hold her up against the wall. Her friend abandoned her and she is in no condition to get in a cab by herself. So we find a friend to take her to my brother's place. We stay around for another half hour but we were all done. We end up going back to my brothers and on the drive there we find Becky in the street. She is still drunk as hell and loud. So I jump out of the truck and grab her. We start walking down the street and try and get her in the house. It's locked. Dammit. So I make her sit down and try and get her to quiet down before the neighbors call the cops. She ends up putting all her weight on me and passing out. Poor girl. I wonder how she is going to feel in the morning. Her boyfriend finally gets there and we get her in the car and off home. I stayed for a bit then called it a night.
So I wake up this morning with a headache and a bit nauseous. I dont' know why I didn't drink much at all. I took some Tylenol but no relief. I still have the headache now. Oh well I really should try and get some sleep. Even that is depressing. I am tired of sleeping alone. I am tired of my husband being gone. Maybe all this has something to do with that time of the month? Hmmm course it hasn't been that time of the month for a couple months now which is totally abnormal for me. Who knows...lets just hope I feel better tomorrow.

I'm Obese...

2006-01-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

yeah right! Ok so I do have a problematic midsection but hello I had a baby not too long ago. PLUS I am down to a size 8 comfortably and am 15lbs over what I was before I ever had any kids. How did I find all this out??? Ok so hubby is coming home very soon. I wanted to go in and see a personal trainer to just make sure I was working out correctly with the machines. I haven't been to a gym in ages and now that I go on a regular basis I sometimes feel a bit retarded with all these resistance machines and wonder what machines do what. (When we were seriously into our fitness training, before I ever thought about kids, we used free weights. No machines so it is all new to me). So who couldn't benefit from a few sessions with someone who's life is working out? So here is my walk through my "assessment". Side note: I took a nutrition class last semester (every nursing student does) and you go over how to calculate BMI (Body Mass Index) and even calculating it doing the math isn't as accurate as say total submersion (Hydrostatic weighing under water) that is done on shows like Biggest loser and Celebrity fit club but is more accurate then those handheld machines where you punch in some numbers and they have you hold the little metal tabs. What happen to the fat caliper method anyway???
Ok so anyhow I go in and meet the trainer. Tell him I've been coming to the gym for over a month now but since hubby is coming home I want to learn to get the most out of my workout. I know I am overweight right now, just had a baby blah, blah, blah. So he sits me down and tells me well lets get your BMI. I expect him to pull out one of those charts that already calculate it or to do it himself. Nope he brings this little electronic thingie out. He asked me the questions then told me to hold it. OK so I do. He then tells me to read him the number. It said 32.4%. I was like bullshit. He's like the machine doesn't lie. I'm thinkin, "yeah right". So he's like let me show you my chart. You are categorized as "obese". WTF. I look down and yes I have a bit of a tummy but I would never say I was "obese". Anyway he goes on to pitch his $1835.00 plan of action which includes 30 sessions. I laughed. I told him first, your machine is off. I pull out pen and paper and calculate my BMI for him. Its 25.6%, yes in the overweight category but not "obese". I also ask why they use BMI only? BMI is a guestimate of fat on the body and has no distiction between muscle and fat. I then tell him that me and my husband use to bodybuild and that at a firm and tone size 2 I weighed in at 139, I'm 5' 3.5" tall. So I had lots of lean muscle. He didn't know what to say. I just shook my head. I mean I hate when people try to screw you over. I said, "Well I know your trying to make your money and all but I don't appreciate trying to be manipulated. I honestly came here for a bit of guidance. I just had my second baby and have lost 40lbs from that pregnancy and just wanted to step things up a bit and get the most out of my time here before my husband came home." He looked like he felt bad but I still think I'll get the 5 session package or just read up on it on my own. If I have the time. It's just crazy what people will do for money. Man years ago I got a job with good o'l Jenny C. as a consultant. I couldn't do it. I was good at the job. I mean I can sell just about anything but it just hit a soft spot inside of me. The tactics we were taught were cruel. They worked but were cruel. They paid very well though. So I was stuck. What other 19 year old back then was making $900 bucks a week? It was hard leaving it though. After having this lady in my office and pitching to her the "plan" and using the tactics I felt like shit. She didn't have the money to do the program, which then consisted mainly of their food only, no point system or anything. She was really really overweight. She didn't need all the crap they "throw in for just..." She needed to see a nutritionist and get a workout plan and complete lifestyle change. So what did I do? The unthinkable. I basically told her that. I asked her about her health insurance. She had insurance with the "health corporation" I've spoken about before and had great coverage. Told her to go see her doctor to get a complete physical and tell him your desire. Most docs are happy to hear a patient ask about weight loss then have to threaten them to lose or die. Then I told her with that insurance they'll set you up with a nutritionist and they had a weight loss program as well. (my sister was going to do it) That here we would just take her money. IF you didn't have the money to buy the meals you were pretty much screwed at that time. So long story short she thanked me and left and I quit my job like 3 days later. I never thought about that lady until I seen her one day in Walmart of all places. We did the whole, "You look familiar" thing and she asked did you work for Jenny? I was like "yep". She then took me back there and told me she actually did it and after 2 years she lost the 90lbs. Crazy. It was reward enough though to see that me giving up all the cash and doing the right thing was worth it. Since then I know Jenny has changed and works to help change lifestyle but I can't be a salesperson. I hate manipulating people to buy crap they don't need.
Anyhow so for right now I am just gonna keep doing what I am doing and read into what machines do what and maybe I'll break down for the 5 sessions. It's up in the air right now though. I could probably save money if I took the time to crack open a book.

Angel of Mercy

2006-01-22T20:14:00.000-08:00

So the other day a friend asked me why I didn't like a well known health organization (I'll leave the name out of it..I'll just say Org) Especially when I was with the clinic it was free? Of course without getting into the details I just relayed that after seeing both of my parents being cared for by this Org I was not impressed with the care. Now because we had this Org for most of my life I didn't know any better. I had a bad taste in my mouth when it came to providers for a long time. My step-father who contracted AIDS was taken care of solely by this Org. Now it was in the early 90's and people were still a bit uneducated when it came to the disease. My step-father was out of the hospital constantly. He was passed back and forth between providers. He was almost killed by drug interaction. Now the physician is not infallible. AIDS patient take LOTS of medication so I could understand a mistake being made. It happens alot more than we think I am sure. Of course we were extremely efficient when it came to listing meds he was taking and bringing that list to EVERY appt/hospitalization. You'd think with the mistake that had been made the doc would have been apologetic...no...he told my mom well its a mistake and it might have done him a favor. OUCH...my mom was hurt. Needless to say we didn't see that doctor anymore. We had to have a relative in the hospital with him at all times because he was left in his feces or the nurses were rough with him. Then he passed on. Years later my mother got sick. Now I do not blame anyone for her disease. She was a smoker for YEARS and she just happen to fall victim to her actions. Yet almost 2 years before she was diagnosed she had a really bad dizzy spell. She couldn't stand and would vomit when she did try. My mom never went to the doctor. The last time she seen doctor was at age 41 and that was an OB/GYN appt. (Totally her fault) So anyhow my mom makes an appt. She was 51 at the time. She had been smoking for ~40 years and couldn't remember when the last time she seen a primary care doc. She tells the doctor what is going on and also mentions having a cough that won't go away. The doctor gives her a prescription for an antiemetic and another pill for the dizziness and sends my mom on her way. No follow-up. No other tests. Cough/chest pain was mentioned as one of her CC on the chart notes (my brother was going to sue) but was overlooked. My mom then felt the dizziness/nausea go away so to her it was the end of it. She had some misconception that she had water trapped in her ear and it caused her to develop Vertigo. About 9 months later she calls in the call center to make an appt and because you have to go through a screening process for an appt. the doctor was sent a message and just refilled her medication. Again my mom had NO medical care for about 10 years prior to this. So Christmas of '01 my mom is home and falls down, she just loses her balance. She was just walking and fell. She hit her ribs on the brick base of our fireplace and she was just a little "off". I insisted on her going to the hospital. We thought she was having a stroke. So we went in and a full work up was done. Diagnosis: Small Cell Adenocarcinoma it had already mestasticised to the brain. The ER doc and her radiologist said that the lesions were the most likely the cause of the symptoms of vertigo that was diagnosed over a year and a half prior because of their size and location. Of course that was just an opinion. That doctor was a wonderful doc from our experience. Her oncologist was cruel and uncaring. Each time we asked questions she gave very short answers and was irritated when you probed for more information. Her radiologist was great as well. Of course he was outside the Org and not affiliated with them except on a referral basis to his hospital. Now dealing with her oncologist regularly was a PIA and sucked because she was the head of the department and the docs working with her were working under her. So when we tried to change we'd always end up with her again for some reason. It did push me to research things and gain as much knowledge as possible. I never stepped on any toes though. After all I was no doc. So when my mom was complaining of pain and the pain medication she took was not helping much I tried to make an appt. Only to be once again put off and the doc called in a new pain medication. I called in again, my mom couldn't move. She also couldn't pick up her left arm. So I felt her shoulder and moved her shirt and I could SEE and FEEL that her clavicle was broken. The bone was not protruding out of the skin but just about. It was a bad. I was pregnant at the time and couldn't move her so we called the paramedics and got her taken to the hospital. At that point things got bad. She was put in a room way at the end of the ward and although it was private it was almost like being in isolation. Several times I had gone to see her and she was laying in her own feces, and in pain, the call button had inadvertantly fell to the floor so she couldn't reach it. She said she tried yelling but no one came. She hadn't been given any pain medication that day...WTF?!!! I was irate. I call and have her doctor paged and wait. Finally she comes in and I begin to question what is going on all while speaking more respectively than was deserved. At this point I asked if the cancer had infact reached the bone. She said no. Yet 3 other residents and 1 attending all had said yes. (we hadn't asked all of them individually it just came out as her course of care was discussed) So I am puzzled and I tell her what the other doc's said. She tells me they are wrong and it hadn't reached the bone. Ok then why the break, why were her bones so brittle and why couldn't she walk and why was she in so much pain? She's gained alot of weight was the doctors reply. Not good enough. So she leaves the hospital and a resident comes by. This doctor is sweet and I shoot my questions her way. She tells me it IS in fact in the bone and asks if I want to see the report and the x-ray and explains it all to me. My mom's bones were all being eaten away. Her spinal column was one big, red, glowing mess. Especially around her hips. There was no white area on the film. The resident tells me that she is in LOTS of pain and that she is giving her large amounts of morphine and is also ordering some fentanyl patches so that the meds are constantly in the body. Ok so I hated the other doc but I loved this one. She was so caring and she told me that (after I asked so i was prepared) my mom had maybe only a couple weeks left. This was the last time I seen this doctor. A couple days pass and my mom calls me at work.

I hear her frail, shaky voice, "Can you PLEASE come down and ask for more medicine" her voice cracks and she begins to sob, "I hurt so bad but no one will bring me anything, please".

So immediately I call the ward and have them page the doctor. The doctor calls me and tells me that my mom can't have any more pain medication for 8 hours that she was given some an hour earlier...WTF obviously it didn't work. I tell her that and she says "...well I don't want to overdue it, I think its just in her mind anyway, she's had a lot of pain medication already".

WHAT...she was dying. She deserved to be comfortable. I was in route so I stopped by the house and picked up some of my mothers pain pills. I also had smarties candy so when I went in the room. She was waiting for me and I gave her a smartie and told her it was vicodin (I know but I wanted to see if it was truly in her head) It was agonizing to wait but I waited an hour and the whole time she complained and cried. I had the answer in my pocket but thought I'd try to ask for more meds again.

"I am sorry" with true empathy came from the nurses lips as she avoided my eyes, "The doctor said she has to wait".

A flash of anger consumed me, my stomach began to get queazy. I took one look at my mother, with tears in her eyes and a lump immediately formed in my throat. My hands were sweaty as I opened up the bottle. The little brown speckled pill was in the palm of my hand. The room was silent. I just looked at it as my eyes became blurred. I could hear my heart beating and I held my hands to my face and whispered a prayer, "Lord I am going to give this her and please let it take the pain away but you don't take her until its time."

I walked to the side of the bed and put my hand on my mother's bald head and whispered in her ear,
"Mom, I brought your morphine pills with me...I can give you one if you really need it" She shook her head.

With that I gave it to her. Then time seemed to stand still. Within 30 minutes she was no longer tense. She asked to roll over so she could see me. Which was HUGE because my mom couldn't move her toes without crying out in pain. We talked. It had been days since we actually were able to hold a conversation without her clenching her eyes or moaning in pain. She was comfortable. In another 15 minutes she drifted off to sleep and I stayed with her. They came in 4 hours later, just as she was getting a bit uncomfortable again and gave her more morphine. Right before I left 4 hours after that I gave her more. This went on until about 1 week before she died until I confronted her doctor and told her what I had been giving my mom. The doctor was pissed but I didn't care. My mom wasn't controlled by her pain and had lasted as long as possible. She was a strong woman. Didn't complain much but I seen this disease bring her to her knees. If I was in her shoes I would want the same treatment.

I don't advocate overmedicating but in this case wouldn't you want to be treated with the same kindness? There was no reason to suffer. My mom was a pill popper in her days and when she was giving herself this stuff she was taking 3x the amount so I didn't think she'd necessarily die. If she outright asked me to help her do that I would have said no. Yet when it comes to comfort I wouldn't deprive anyone of it. With my experiences with BAD doctors you'd wonder why I would want to get into medicine. I have been impacted greatly by a handful of great and wonderful doctors. What makes them wonderful you ask? Is it their knowledge? I think it plays a role but....no. It was their compassion. Now they weren't 100% like that, no doctor is, every doctor has their bad days, but for the most part they were understanding and did all they could to truly help. Not just disregard you or your condition. To this doctor it seemed that because my mom was going to die her life didn't matter. She was dead already in their eyes but until breath left the body and heart stopped she still was a chart to be dealt with. For an Oncologist that is a horrible outlook to have. Death is almost daily dealt with but if your compassion is gone and your patients begin to feel like just charts I think its time to find a new area...perhaps the morgue.

Goodbye to you...

2006-01-22T17:17:00.000-08:00

You know I consider myself a great friend. Excuse me if that sounds snobbish but I do. I would do just about anything to those that I consider close. I have had my share of fucked up friendships and have learned from those. I thought that phase of life was over ya know? I thought that immaturity was gone. That was one thing I loved about my "adult" friendships. No more drama. We all have our own lives and deal with the daily grind but when it came down to those few that you called on the phone to either listen to or spill out eachothers guts you always made time. I know that I cherish those people. Life does change though. With those changes usually those strong friendships adapt. You may lose touch for a while but when you meet up it is like you've never been apart.
Then shit happens. Guess I gotta give some background huh? Well my first year in college I had a roommate that was awesome. We clicked right away and even when I had to come home cause of family issues we stayed friends. We were close. It was great I thought. No pressure friendship. An adult friendship. She seen me through some difficult times and vice versa. I married and had kids and she was there in the room for both of my children's births. She was going to be my maid of honor, (course we had a ceremony right before he left for Iraq the first time so it was just us and the pastor in a church...long story) We were best friends I guess. Anyhow we would go months without seeing eachother. She lives an hour away and with the new baby and no hubby around it was hard for me to go up to see her and she was busy with work and stuff as well. We still made the effort though. We would still call eachother every so often and email or Myspace. So what's the problem??? Lets see where did it start. First she got engaged. This was awesome news to me. I knew that she had been wanting to get married for some time. She and her boyfriend had gone through hell and finally everything was on the up and up and he popped the question. She had asked me to be in her wedding and I was honored. I knew the maid of honor was going to be her sister,(they are extremely tight). I was really cool with that. Just to be in the wedding was cool with me. Then I get a phone call one day on the way to school. She tells me that she didn't want me in the wedding, she only wanted her sisters to be. Now with our background I was hurt. I'll admit that. I didn't make a big deal of it though. She kept poking at me asking me what was wrong and I just told her I'd be fine, it was no big deal, just leave it be. You know that kinda stung but it wasn't a totally huge issue in my mind. I was ok until she asked me to go dress shopping for all of them right after. I said no thanks. She wanted to know how I felt and I told her. Of course I wasn't harsh, I didn't want things changed but was honest and said yes it stung a bit cause she was planning things with me in it and talking about dresses then changed her mind. So of course I'd be a little hurt but I'd get over it and understood why she wanted it that way. (She was scaling her wedding down) Anyhow things turned out to be ok and all was good. Later she comes back and tells me how we were like sisters and she was thinking it over and that she wanted me to be back in the wedding. My first response was no. There was way too much drama over that and I didn't want her to change things just for me. For the next couple weeks we went back and forth. I didn't give her an answer and I talked it over with a few friends and my hubby and they all said swallow it and do it or I'd regret it later. So I finally caved and said yes. She was happy and now I thought things would go back to normal. Well they didn't. I thought we were fine but obviously she had other feelings and never expressed them to me. I wasn't feeling great about being in the wedding to be honest. Only because of the drama and after talking to my hubby I was going to get a hold of her and tell her that she should stick to her original plan. Only we were playing phone tag and she wasn't responding to my emails or anything. I emailed her asking if there was a problem and she says no, she's busy and doesn't feel well. That was it. Total lie. I knew her too well. I didn't want to leave it alone cause I wanted to tell her my about not being in the wedding and so I told her I didn't think that was it. She is extremely pissed tells me that she didn't feel the same about me after the whole wedding issue and says we are going in different directions and that she doesn't want to be friends. Huh...I felt it coming but was like ok and that was it. I wanted to end it on a good note, instead of telling her fuck off, which by the tone of her email I was entitled to, I said good luck and goodbye. Ya know I still feel ok about it but just wish that things were handled more maturely. I know my initial reaction about the wedding was irrational, like most hurt feelings and expressed that to her. If she would have left it alone it would have blew over. Really I was ok. I am not one to hold grudges or trip off of something like that but guess she was the one with the grudge.
So the moral? People will always surprise you no matter who they are or how close you think you are. It's a fact of life. What is equally surprising is I am very close with one person I never thought I would ever be. Its good though. I hate the "friends are for a season" crap though. Friendship is a gift. Even when it tarnishes you need to put in the work to polish it up a bit. I guess some never regain their beauty or some just disappear but that is life.

How time flies...

2006-01-22T15:40:00.000-08:00

Wow I can't believe I haven't kept this up. Well I can't believe we are into the New Year and my husband will be coming home very soon. In he is getting briefs now in preparation for his return. I am excited. I am nervous too. When he left my daughter had just turned 2 and I was 5 months pregnant. He is coming back to a 3 year old, who I might add is FULLY potty trained now! (It was a long, long road!) Also to a son who is 7 months old and huge. He weighs in at 24lbs. He doesn't look chunky though just long. He is 32" long so I guess he's gonna be tall. Anyhow he is starting to crawl a bit so he will be pretty mobile when my husband gets home. Then there is us. I have lost all of the pregnancy weight. I am going to see a personal trainer to hopefully help me firm up a bit and lose those last 10lbs from the previous pregnancy. I was hoping to accomplish that before he came home but we'll see what happens. I am sure he won't care either way. Of course I hope the transition is an easy one. He has been gone for 14 months now. Saying that just brings that nervousness back up.
School starts soon again and I'll be taking a lighter load due to the events unfolding this semester. I'll be right back at it though and back on track.
OK time to find my little girl who seems to get into EVERYTHING lately.

I hate it....

2005-10-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

I hate when I can't sleep...Today has been a good day. I enjoyed my visit with a friend, I spent a day out of the house with my kids and all in all had a good time. Yet there is this huge hole in my heart. 6 more months of this...doesn't sound like a long time but to me it seems forever. I worry too. I am worried about US...You know by that time it will have been 15 months since he has been home. 15 months is a long time. These last few months have been EXTREMELY lonely. I actually ache for him...not sexually well most of the time ;-)...but my heart longs for his touch, to be in held in his arms, to feel his breath on my neck, or his head on my chest, to have our lips touch, or just his sweet kisses on my forehead. Will those things feel the same? He has been gone so long and is now even more emotionally distanced from me. Since he has been in Iraq I haven't recieved a letter, card nothing. He has posted on little comment on my site and that is all. He checks it daily! yes I do get a couple phone calls a week yet those seem to be even a bit reserved. I understand he has to be tough and can't let emotion overtake him because of where he is at. I try not to let on how I am feeling. To grin and bare it so to speak. Yet I am crying inside. I cry myself to sleep some nights only to be comforted by the rising sun. I am propelled to action by my children and by my dreams to help provide for my family and make a success out of myself. Yet I still feel empty. It's an emptiness that I can't describe. When will it end? In 6 months? Or does it take longer than that? Will he be the same man that left my doorstep. Will he love me the same? More? So many unanswered questions and I know they are driven my mindless emotions. I dare not utter them and save the confusion. But I cannot hide the feeling that I am dying inside...

Why?

2005-09-26T00:54:00.000-07:00

Why have I spent most of this day crying? I just broke down in the shower today. I am trying to pinpoint the cause of my sorrow and yet my mind is blank. My heart aches. It actually hurts. Does anyone see my tears? Does anyone hear my muffled cries? Does anyone care? Once again I climb into an empty bed. I stretch out my arm to feel the side that was once occupied by my love. It is cold and empty. I speak to it and I am over taken by its silence. I curl up and weep. Holding close only the memories of what once were. He is coming back something whispers. Yes but the loneliness that rocks my soul is not comforted. It is not consoled. My tears drown my pillow and I drift off to sleep. Even in sleep my the sadness is there.

gone til march?!

2005-09-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

So it has been while since I've updated this site. I have been crazy busy. School is going well and I am trying to find the balance in everything. It's hard without my other half. I just found out though, from him, that he is most likely not coming home until spring....AGH!!! I mean I can't do anything about it and I support his decision but DAMN that is a long time. Lets see that will put him a total of being gone for 15 months. Our son will then be 10months old when he gets home. I try not to focus on that and just keep school in the forefront of my mind but it is hard. Especially on those hard days ya know? Oh well I just will keep up what I am doing now. My plate is definitely full.

He loves me!!!!

2005-09-10T00:14:00.000-07:00

I have the greatest husband in the world....

A letter to my Wife

I keep your picture while I am lead into seclusion. Like before, I am the one that has uprooted myself into this desert. A man once surrounded by love now finds himself stranded in this wilderness. Loneliness has placed his hand upon my shoulder and taken his place by my side. I look to the stars at night and whisper to the one that we claimed so many years ago. Be strong my love, only time has separated our hearts, only time has stood between these arms. I have hope that you look to the same star at night and whisper your sweet words. He is my messenger, my deliverance from a place not my own. If only I could pretend to know the thoughts of time, how id love to embrace such a lie. “All is well in this journey” All will be revealed through this walk, such hollow words would be welcomed, such a simple lie would be believed. But one must realize through ignorance, content is manifested. And in this content the fall of man is birthed. So I leave this thorn in my side. I embrace the pain rather than run from it. Love has caused me to embrace my enemy, if only for a little while, I am a simple man, like my father before me, simple in nature. Always have I strived for greatness but never pretended to be out of the ordinary. If this gift can be granted that I should once again set foot upon my doorstep, I swear to you that I will, promise.........

He has a website!! He hasn't written in YEARZ... I had to post this here so I could see his words everyday....

Dumb Ass

2005-09-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ok so hitting water at fast speeds DOES feel like your hitting concrete. Just a little lesson I learned while Jet Skiing. It was my first time ever on jet ski and we were out at Folsom lake. Back then I was an intern for a youth pastor as was my husband (we were dating at the time). So anyhow my husband was out on the jet ski with a friend and my little brother asks if I could take him. Cool no problem. I was driving so it was all good. Well I got pretty comfortable and was taking turns and going about 45mph. Then my little brother asks if he could drive. He had to be about 15 at the time. So I tell him ok just don't get crazy and no sharp turns. Man was that a mistake. At first he was doing great. I was having fun, I was sitting upright and holding onto the grip strap on the back of the seat. We were going pretty fast and the jet ski was barely skimming the water. Then out of nowhere his brain leaves him. It was like a matrix moment. Everything slowed down. As I was flying over my brother I see the speed gauge....55...."Oh Shit" is all I could think until I began to skip like a pebble on the water. Finally I am sucked under the water. My vision is blurred and I try and gather my bearings. I look up and see the surface and swim upwards. It was a struggle. My ankle was stiff and painfully swollen. As I break through the water I am able to finally vocalize my pain. I shout a few profanities and then just relax my body. I needed to catch my breath and calm myself. It was a good thing I was thrown about 100 feet from the jet ski and my brother cause I would have broke his nose at that moment....as I looked at him all I can think is, "DUMB ASS!" He was right next to the jet ski and unharmed. I later realized that he took a hard left and hence the previous events unraveled. After addressing him with said title I tell him to drive the jet ski over cause I couldn't swim. Somehow I manage to climb on and I take over driving. I then thought that we were out far enough that no one seen the horror so at least I was saved some embarrassment....WRONG....When we get close enough for us to walk on shore I am immediately pointed at by teenagers. A warmth of embarrassment immediately set in. I yell to one of them, "Did you see me fly off?" with a sheepish grin. "No but your shorts are about too" they said in between giggles. See I had a new pair of A&F board shorts on that had ripped and exposed one butt cheek...the one of course that was totally naked due to my bathing suit being logged in my crack....as my hubby brought me a towel I looked at my brother and just thought....DUMB ASS!!

I just miss him...

2005-09-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

This week has been so busy. It has been good. School is going well and the kids are fine. So why the long face? I miss my husband. He is such a huge part of me and I truly feel a void with him gone. I mean in all actuality I should feel ok. Today I just feel like I have a little black cloud hovering over me. I miss my best friend. I miss laughing and joking around. I miss us just sitting cuddling and watching TV or watching our kids. I miss taking care of him and he taking care of me. His side of the bed is cold and I want my babe back.
I got a phone call today at about 4 am and I was so glad to hear his voice. He sounds so stressed out and so down that it makes me sad and sick with worry. I wish I could go and fix things where he is at. He has so much on his plate and no help. Each time he tries to find a solution he is met with shrugged shoulders. I just pray that things will begin to run smoothly where he is at and that he gets the help he needs. That some familiar faces finally show up and he can feel a bit more comfortable. It will never feel like home to him be comfortable as possible.
Sometimes my mind starts to wander and I begin to wonder how this is going to affect our marriage. We are a strong couple and have been through alot. Even the strongest metal breaks though. Not saying that is the case but I don't know my mind is just playing those tricks on me again.

Alright I need to quit and get on the treadmill....

Eye Test

2005-09-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

Wow we should all get our eyes checked. Take this onlineeye test for cataracts tell me how it goes...

HOLLA BACK!!!

2005-09-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

So I FINALLY got to go out. Of course it wasn't my typical outing. It was fun though...
So me and my little brother meet up to go and see a movie. The movie we were going to see was WAY too late and my bro wanted to go out with some friends of his. I was suppose to go out with some of my girlfriends too but for some reason plans fell through. Not wanting to waste a kid-less evening I decide I'll just go out with my little brother. No big deal right? Well my brother is bisexual and is going to a gay bar. I have never been and thought what the hell why not. If I am uncomfortable I'll just leave. PLUS my little brother knows one of the bartenders and drinks will be on the house ALL NIGHT!!!
So I have to admit I am a bit nervous. BUT WHY?!!! If you are married and just want to go out a gay bar is probably the safest place to be. Of course this bar was a lot more low key than most gay bars are (according to a friend). Anyhow I had a blast. It was weird though for me to be in a bar and not have any men groping or drooling over you. Almost gave me a complex. ;-) Any time I go to a regular bar the minute you walk in you immediately have eyes on you, guys asking to buy drinks and I am bombarded the minute I start to dance. I'll have them on each side trying to grind away then I have to be the bitch when I walk away or tell them to F@!% off. Don't get me wrong I'll dance with guys but I have the 12 in rule, cross the line and its over. Usually with my girls if someone is getting outta hand we just start dancing with eachother and push them out of the way. It works most of the time. The wierdest part of it for me are the chicks in these bars. Now I met a straight woman there that was there for the same reason...to just have some fun. The only people who made it a bit uncomfortable were the butch lesbians. Man they are either looking at you thinking you want their women or they are trying to see if your into them. The ironic thing though was I have been hit on by more women in straight bars than in that bar last night. I was surprised to see couples there too. This bar is very "straight-friendly" so maybe that is the reason. Or maybe it was a stop for straight couple in persuit of a threesome partner. Who knows. After 6 glasses of hypnotiq, a corona and cran and vodka I didn't care. I was out with my little brother having fun and not worrying about any man grabbing my tits or my ass. It was all good. My cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling.

Heal thyself...

2005-09-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

School started and I am back into the swing of things. So far my professors are, well, professors. No one really sticks out except for one. This guy is a bit odd. No matter what we are discussing in class he come back to how our minds are the most powerful things on earth and if we all believed how powerful they were we could heal ourselves. Now I am not naiive and I am accepting of other cultures and religions and believe we could learn from eachother so I am not trying to start an argument but this guy just goes off in the class about how he had severe bouts of pain in his back that would make him double over and how he would stop when he felt the first twinge of pain and begin to meditate and the pain would go away. He kept going on and on how we didn't need doctors. I then stop coloring the letters of "mead" on my notebook and look up. He goes on about how doctors were just trying to take our money, that all we would have to do is some research and do the job ourselves and blah blah blah blah....So me wanting to divulge deeper into this lunacy asks, "well why research then? If you feel there is something wrong then just sit down like you say and send all the chemicals from your brain into the areas that need to be fixed and heal yourself". Not being a smart ass but just challenging him a bit. "Well you want to know exactly what is wrong with you to be able to send those thoughts and chemicals to the right place" was his response. "Ok but you just said that your body KNOWS exactly what is wrong with it and when you tap into your mind it will send what it needs to the right places. Do you believe this to be true with all illness or only minimal stuff like colds and allergies?' I had asked. He came back with, " Well what do you think?" Ok well first I do believe that your state of mind can affect your health but I don't think that you can meditate cancer away, heart disease away, AIDS away. Meditation can help you COPE with those things and help maintain a positive attitude and therefore prolong life but that it is in no way a substitue for Medicine. It is the "powerful minds" that create new drugs, procedures, and attain valuable knowledge and the ability to apply that knowledge that also is key to our health and well-being." I then ask, "So did this pain go away for good?" "No" he mumbles with his head down, "I ended up in the ER to find out I had kidney stones but..." I was done I just went back to my mindless scribbles. We'd have all semester to go back and forth I am sure. Maybe I am biased. A realist. To each his own right?

On the lighter side...

2005-09-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

A bit of humor....
(not my experience)

Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way to easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the pinche cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Sacrifice: Nobility or Nonesense?

2005-08-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

I feel for this lady. I don't think she will ever get the answers she is looking for. I think this draft of letter is a pretty good explanation of the sacrifice her son and every service man for that matter has made in serving their country. As far as getting her answer for the specifics on the conflict there is doubt it will ever get answers. It is sad, but I think this is something we have to accept when it comes to losing someone this way. As a wife of a Marine I don't necessarily agree with the reasons we are over in that country today. If I lost my husband I am sure I would be filled with tremendous anger and grief but I would have to accept the fact that this is the life he chose. He chose to serve his country and whether his life was lost in a conflict like WWII or foolishness like Vietnam or Iraq the outcome would be the same. He chose to go. He signed the papers giving his service knowing that there could be a time that the ultimate price would be paid. That in itself is a noble cause in my book. It is a big decision when someone joins the military. Your not joining a nice little group to belong too. You are joining an institution that preserves and protects freedom and democracy. An institution that has a long history of bloodshed but that has brought us to a place that we are today. Where the men who have fallen before to give that blanket of protection are remembered and appreciated. We remember them all, from the servicemen who lose their lives on the frontlines in combat to the ones who die from friendly fire, they are all appreciated equally. Is it senseless? Maybe in our eyes but we would have to think back to what that person would have thought. In my case my husband would not want me to protest against something he believed in, his service. He would rather me remember him as a man who did not shrink back but who served with honor,courage and commitment until his last day regardless of the cause. To remember him as the hard-charging Marine that he is not an occupational victim of circumstance. Grief is a hard thing. Some wail and some weep quietly until they eventually find peace and can move on honoring and remembering that person.My heart goes out to Ms. Sheehan, I pray for her comfort and the comfort of her family. I pray that when the wailing ceases she finds that peace.

Nut Bra

2005-08-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

Thiswas just too funny....

your momma

2005-08-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

Why do I have the urge to put on some roller skates

We want that Donut money!!!

2005-08-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

(quote from'Ladykillers')

Ok so I am sitting here and my head feels about 50lbs. I get a split-second relief after I blow my nose then when I inhale my misery continues. I hate being sick. I am not sure where this cold came from but it has run rampant through my house. My son, who is 3 months old, just started in with a fever so I am sure the mucous is going to start flowing soon. Poor little guy. There is nothing worse than having a cold in the summer. Especially when 2 of your kids are sick and you are as well. If my husband was here it would be a little easier, that is if HE didn't get sick. Otherwise he becomes the biggest baby [like most all men...sorry guys just speaking truth ;-) ] Of course I would LOVE for him to be home sick or not. Its the life of a wife/mommy though...the general rule is, YOU are not allowed to get sick and you get NO sick days. At least not unless it is convienient for everyone else.
So yet another weekend wasted.....(maybe next week Star!!)

A good gift?

2005-08-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

Now I have always done something special for my hubby for his arrival home. Last "surprise" was one that we'll keep between me and him...lets just say he enjoyed it. ;-) Now for the longest time he has been going on and on about nipple piercings. I have had my tongue and naval pierced so it's not to far fetched but just the thought of this one makes me cringe a bit. I mean I am sure its no where near as painful as squeezing a kid out but the thought of a needle going through my nipples is a bit disconcerting. Being that I just gave birth in May and I have stopped breastfeeding (medical issue) I really think I am gonna do it. I have 4 weeks though to truly make up my mind. (They recommend waiting 6 weeks after weaning) I want to do it as soon as I could that way I could heal as much as possible so that my hubby can enjoy his new gift. So here's to the countdown....

Talk about a rush..

2005-08-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

So I am in the parking lot of the church waiting for the other intern to come so we could load the sound equipment into his truck and I could give him directions to the site where we were doing the outreach for the childrens ministry. Me, being the head intern for the children's ministry, also had to pick up a few helpers and then get off to the site. The whole day time seemed to be running faster than usual. I had only a few minutes to change after I got home from work so I threw on an old pair of swooshie pants and rushed to the church. They were late...almost a half hour late and we were going to run into night if we didn't get there. Then the truck pulls in. He was here. Now for an instant my mind starts to wander and the "sinful" thoughts began to flood my mind. Oh God was he hot. I watched as he bent over and picked up the speaker and loaded it into the truck. I think I examined every muscle especially his ass. Mmm...nice. His back wasmuscular and he wore those tight t-shirts that accentuated every rip and cut. His arms were nice and thick but not too big. His hands...well lets just say I imagined them in some "ungodly" places. Then he turned to me, the sun bleached out his fair skin and made the green in his eyes glisten, "Is that it?" Instantly my moment of visual ecstasy was interrupted. I snapped out of it and back into my frantic and rushed mode. Then as I stood there and gave him directions I noticed he was staring at something. I thought to myself, "could he be checking me out?" I was done talking and just about to walk away when he said, "um...what is that" as he pointed down to my feet. Then I noticed it and blood rushed to my face. (I thought, "dammit I hate having to rush") Out of my pantleg and peaking just over my right shoe was a glimpse of magenta. I looked closer and realized what I was looking at, my underwear!! I was so embarrassed I couldn't even look at him. I grabbed the underwear while he laughed and came at me asking what it was in a teasing manner. I was humiliated but thank God for my humor. We had a good laugh.
Luckily I went on to eventually marry this man. Maybe the glimpse of my chonies made him want me even more...(And yes they were clean...the pants were fresh out of the dryer and had a stow away)

He's leaving...

2005-08-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

I got the call today. He has got a seat on the next flight out of Lejeune to Iraq. It made my stomache sick. I can't believe we are doing this all over again. We have a new baby and he will, once again, miss out on all the new baby things. He also has a toddler who very much knows who daddy is and asks where he is at on a daily basis. Leaving when she was a newborn was easier than when he left this time. We were so fortunate for the SNAFU that allowed him to barely be leaving the states now, even though he has not been home, otherwise he would have missed out on the birth of his son. Yet even though I knew this day was coming I still am sad. All the crazy thoughts are flooding my mind as well. I know things are different there but that doesn't appease my mind. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him. He is my everything, my true soulmate, my best friend and my biggest and greatest support. While we were dating he was there through the roughest times in my life. He was actually in the room with me and my mom when we got the news that she had cancer and the prognosis was grave. He is what kept me from falling apart in that room and helped me be a rock for my mother. Then when we got pregnant unexpectantly with my daughter (we were engaged and I took birth control religiously to prevent it--same time everyday--yet we have a beautiful baby girl) I was so overwhelmed...I mean I always thought my first would be planned and I would enjoy and savor every moment. I cried and cried and he came home with a huge smile and said it would all be ok, and it was. Oh...I am just so worried but I know it's all in God's hands. So I'll once again walk in blind faith knowing that God will take care of my most precious blessing...my husband.

Just some of Life's little lessons

2005-08-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Never leave a tub of Vasoline and a toddler in the same room...the dog will thank you.

Vasoline WILL give a dog diarrhea.

Toddlers can't look for anything so don't ask...it'll just raise your stress level.

Sharting is real...

Hemabate gives you diarrhea...bad...

The above mentioned PLUS an epidural makes for one pissed nurse and one embarressed patient.

Don't ever tell your hubby you can stick "it" anywhere unless your prepared to follow through (and your really don't mind ANYWHERE...)

Vicodin plus any type of acohol is bad...especially large amounts of alcohol

Goldschlager, Jaeger, Tangeray, Hypnotiq, Tequila, Courvassier and Grey Goose are all great but not in large amounts and NEVER in one night....

A 20lb dog CAN eat a whole uncooked roast...

Said dog can also vomit in LARGE amounts

Never pluck your eyebrows while drunk....

Iceyhot should never be put on your armpits

Is it bad luck?

2005-08-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

"My heart was beating the hell out of my chest. With each step I took forward the more it pulsated in my ears. The 10 steps to her bedroom door seemed to take forever to travel. As I held my breath, my hand reached for the door and pushed it open. There she laid. Was she breathing? I take a breath and let it out slowly to try and calm the shakiness. Holding my breath again I strain my eyes to find the rise and fall of her chest. Then I hear it, an audible snore. I was elated."

I go through this just about every morning. In my short life I have seen death several times and each time involved someone close to me. My mom passed two years ago due to lung cancer. My step-father 13 years ago due to AIDS. My mom's dad of a heart attack 2 months before my mom and my step-grandfather 2 months before him of the same. In my experience with my mother I had to come home from school and I was her main caregiver. Now 2 years later with my aunt I take the same role. Its hard. She has been on dialysis for 6 years now. She is a tough little lady. She can only see with one eye, she has no feet and no thumb on one of her hands. Her disablities don't stop her though. She gets around on her little motorized chair and goes about living. When my mom died I couldn't abandon her. She has lived with us for as long as I remember and had no where to go. So me and my husband took her in, along with my sister who was underage at the time.
Now going over that I don't even want to continue but I've got to vent. It is hard caring for other people. I hate waking up each morning wondering if she is going to be alive. It is worse when she hasn't been feeling well. (Which has been the case the past few days) Needless to say it's stressful. I sit back and think selfishly for a minute and think, "Man what a case of bad luck I have". I've had a rough past few years and everytime I wake up I am faced with the reality that its not as bad as its going to get. She is like having a second mom and when she passes I am going to go through that pain all over again.

Don't get me wrong I am blessed and don't take it for granted I'll save that for another post. Ok time for a Margarita ;-)

That's it...Period.

2005-08-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

So the kids are sleeping and I just finished my run...I have officially named my remaining maternal fat...Adi needs to go. I have no clue why I gain so much weight while pregnant. I mean I don't eat outrageous crap and absolutely no fast food ever yet I end up getting huge. At least it is melting away faster than it did with my first.
Man I need to get out this week. Time to have some drinks with the ladies...it has been a while but I need some unwinding time. Especially before school starts.
Ok so for all us ladies we have had the joy meeting our monthly visitor and I am sure we can all reminisce the experience. Now I was sitting with a friend the other day talking about this. When she told me what she did for her daughter. Now I thought this story was crazy. When my friend learned that her daughter got her period she immediately made her husband go out and get a cake, then she made her brother and sister congratulate her, then she called the family and then she went and bought her a ring ! Now am I the only one who thinks this is crazy. You had period cake and got a period ring. Man and I thought I had it bad. Can you imagine someone asking hey that's a pretty ring where'd you get it. I am sure you'd just say, my mom, but in your mind you would always remember the knock on the bathroom door as your sister, brother and father all said congratulations and when you got out you have to cut your cake and open your present which consists of either tampons or pads and a ring to remind you of the special occasion. I mean isn't the monthly "reminder" be enough? I know this ladies daughter and she is not the type to want to savor a moment like that. Of course my friend is a bit dramatic. Maybe its me but yes it is a developmental milestone but I don't think I'll make a momentous occasion out of it for my little girl. I got my period when I was 11 and wanted it to be kept on a need to know basis. If I could have gone out and purchase my own feminine products I would probably never told my mom. That's just me though. I'd be curious to hear other stories though...

Just a little intro...

2005-08-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

So my bed is empty, my house is full and my job is endless. Of course what mom is ever on vacation? Maybe when the kids reach 18 or something. Who knows. I have a LONG way to go. I love being a mom though. But that isn't all I am. I am still young and still go out and have fun and I am pursuing my dream as far as careers go. I don't ever want to make the mistake to lose who I am as a person although I do wear more than one nametag. Know what I mean. I have a couple friends who are so self sacrificing that when you ask them what do you like? or what do you want out of life? There is just a blank stare. Like being a mom excludes you from being an individual. Same as being a wife. I LOVE my husband. But i also love the fact that he respects that I am an individual and supports that. An integral part of our marriage I couldn't live without. The same is true for him. My bed is empty cause he is away getting ready to be shipped out to Iraq for the second time. Really sucks but he is passionate about being a Marine so I support him 100%. It has been 8 months. In those eight months we got to spend 2 1/2 weeks together. I flew up to N. Carolina for 4 days and he came home for 2 weeks for the birth of our second child. So its been hard. Specially on the sex life ;-) Phone sex can get old...lol...It's been 8 months since we had any "great" sex. Ughh.

I am gonna cut this first post short. Only cause I don't want to bore anyone too soon! (and because my 2 year old daughter has lathered the dog in vasoline)