Orphan

"I wish I could be there to walk you down the aisle"---Armageddon

I have seen this movie at least a dozen times. I guess with Father's Day approaching this scene, where Bruce Willis is saying goodbye to his daughter to save the planet, has brought about a bit of a sting. You know I can't remember ever celebrating Father's Day. Not in the true sense that is. Yes I grew up with a step-father, I loved him very much, but he was in and out of prison and then later in and out of the hospital until he passed away 14 years ago. I still don't remember ever celebrating it.

So here I am, 28 and an orphan. My mom has been gone for a little over 3 years now and my step-father 14 years ago and the man that is my biological father abandoned me in utero. I did speak with him, once. I was 17 and he called after I had a bit of an argument with my grandmother on his side. (Long story but we ran into them when I was 12 and since that time they kept me a big secret) Well he gets on the phone and his first words were, "you bring back a lot of memories." Now having spent the last 5 years prior to that wondering why, since I met the whole side of his family, he had yet to come and see me or want some kind of relationship with me I was a little bitter. I said in the most teenage sarcastic way, "yeah, well thats funny cause none come to mind." He was a bit taken back and silence ensued. After a moment he asked me how I was, how school was and I told him a little bit about myself. He went on to lecture me on life and responsibility and I cringed inside. Why was this man, who for 17 years dodged his responsibility, lecturing me. I didn't say much but he told me he'd be in town in a couple weeks and that he'd like to have lunch or something. Well that never happened. I never heard from him again. My wedding day has passed and I wish that I had a father that would be brought to tears knowing that he would miss it. I wish I had a father that cared. A father that wanted to know me and was sick inside cause he is not an integral part of my life. If he was dead then I guess it would be easier to accept. It's knowing that this man is alive, that he breathes the same air and yet he wants nothing to do with me. I guess rejection is never easy. Yet at times I wonder if it ever bothers him. If he ever thinks of me. If the portrait I sent him 11 years ago is in some trash somewhere. Huh, I'd just be another form of trash to him. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.
I sit and watch my husband with my kids. Especially my daughter and I am so glad that he adores her. That he plays with her and bugs her and is affectionate and loving. We all want what we didn't have in our lives for our children. For me it isn't material so much. Just two loving parents in a secure home. Knowing that daddy is around and she will grow up with the ability to say, "my dad" warms my hearts.

So Dennis, wherever you are, your missing out and I hope your cowardice keeps you up at night. That you never find peace until you own up to your own responsibility. You'll never rate a "Father's Day" card in my book.

Unshakeable no longer...

My life right now is pretty uneventful. It is filled with babies, housework and being a wife. Sounds great huh? I love those things, don't get me wrong but a time comes when you get this itch to do more. I am going to enroll in summer courses right now and I should be really excited about that but I guess for some reason the wind has been taken out of my sail so to speak. It's one of those love issues. You know the ones that leave your chest hurting, stomache nauseous and gasping for breath. Yeah that kind. Should it be such a big deal? I don't know what to think. I am sure those out there have certain things that they know about their partner. That if their partner were to ever cross those lines that you would know it would be completely out of character for them. Hence the freaking out. Throw in 15 months of separation/isolation and things begin to blur a little in the mind. It's kind of ridiculous. One little thing can totally throw your emotions out of whack.
What is it??? What happened? Well since no one that knows me reads this I guess I can be a bit honest.
Let me start out with one word....Myspace. Yep the drama starting circle. I am pretty close to shutting down my site but I am sure it would solve nothing. Well me and my hubby have laptops that are identical. I open up one and the site is open and I think it's my computer, (cause I always leave myself logged in), I see a message from a female who I don't know. She's young and attractive and I'm curious so I open it to see it it's another friend request or ode to my page. It was neither. I inadvertantly opened my husbands mail and was on his computer. The email had a bit of a flirtitious nature to it and yes I was peeved. For one, my husband has never been the type to have female friends. NEVER. We've known eachother a long time and he has always shyed away from females. He has had no female "friends". Aquaitences maybe but nothing he'd ever give attention to. Then I find out this is one of the female marines that was with him overseas. So I am sure you can see why my mind has been wandering. We got into a huge fight over it. He removed her but I am sure her emails haven't stopped. I am sure if I had never said anything he would have never removed her. I then visit his site today and see another friend of his and his comment he left on her page. I don't understand it but I am sure I am reading more into it then needed. I am just disappointed. I never thought he would do anything like that. He replied to her emails. He may still be. Maybe I am being naiive. I thought we had such a great relationship and somehow, inside, I feel like it's crumbling. Like I am not enough. He came home dressing different, younger, and he has changed a bit and now he has all these friends that are younger than he is as well. We got married @ 24. He had relationships before but inside Ifeel as if he wants more. Like I am not enough anymore. I am just a mom who is trying ot get her figure back after 2 kids. Still trying ot finish up school and make something of myself. Things suck all over for me. I have 2 medical issues going on and so I push myself too hard sometimes and pay for it later. I don't know. I am probably not making any sense but I guess you can see I am shaken. Isn't this how these things start? Little "innocent" emails? He says I am not confident in us and that I have no trust. See that hurts because before all this I was unshakable. I think I handled him being gone very well. He says he never has a question of me doing anything yet, I don't email men at all, other than the ones that are gay on my site or that are family, and I am not away from him and isolated for extended periods of time. If he thinks this is ok I think about how much other stuff he isn't telling me. What other "secrets" are there? Can we sit down and talk about these things? No cause he turns everything around on me. Then I walk away feeling more like shit then I did when we first sat down. The way things are going I don't like. Knowing this month he will be going back to drill and back aroudn all these people is making me a bit uneasy. No one hears me though, no one can relate. Not even my prayers are heard. If this is what allt he money we saved bought I'd rather have nothing and have all of him.

Life

I was spending time watching my kids play today and yes, I got all teary eyed. I know, I've been emotional lately. Anyhow I am so grateful for the family I have. Life isn't easy and it hasn't been particularly easy for me but my greatest rewards are the two children that call me mommy and the man that calls me wife. I guess with the crap that happens from day to day we can get caught up in life's disappointments and lose sight of what is really important. I look at my kids and hope that I am around to see them grow and to see them live life and see their children and their children's children with my husband by my side. Something that my mom never got the chance to do. Her life was cut short and not only was she robbed of that blessing but we were as well. I guess with Mother's day coming around I still can't get around that sorrow you feel in your gut knowing that she is gone. That I don't have a mother to honor. It is overshadowed by the fact that I am a mom now but it still is a bit bittersweet. I don't want my children to feel that. I know that we can't control what happens. Life is unpredictable, but we can hope and pray for the best. It's worked so far.

Finally!

I have been trying to get into blogger for a few days and finally its working. Things here have been pretty low key. Just enjoying life with my little family. I never realized how much I enjoyed being a wife and a mom. I know that sounds pretty corny but I really do love my family and am blessed.
So anyhow what is going on? Well I am trying to plan out my son's first birthday party for next month. CRAZY!!! Time has flown by and it serioulsy doesn't feel like a year. He isn't quite walking yet but he is cruising around. The weather here in California SUCKS right now. It has been raining for a month straight. I want sunshine! I originally planned on having his birthday at a park and renting a jumpy house for the kids but now I am stressing a bit. If this weather keeps up we will have to find somewhere else to do it. I really don't want it at the house cause we usually have about 50 people show up and I really don't feel like having to clean up after them all. The kids will be cramped in with the adults. It is just NUTS!

Anyhow other than that I am going to go back to work soon. I have an interview set up and hopefully it'll work out with childcare and everything. Of course I'm a bit worried cause I still have issues with a work injury from when I was working around the holidays. I am most likely going to have to have surgery on my wrist and injections in my back. I don't know I really want to work and move forward with school so hopefully it all works out.
Other than that we are house hunting. Our lease is up in June and we don't want to get caught up in another one. My husband is set to buy a house so we meet with a realitor soon so wish us luck.

Ok time to cook dinner...

He's Home!!!

Yes he got in on tuesday night and I am so happy. It has been such a long time and I was so nervous. Just to be in his presence though is a great feeling. We already have our adjustment issues to go through but so far so good. I have to be a little sensitive to the fact that he has been gone a long time and isolated from any kind of "normal" life. He has only had to look after himself and the emotional aspect has been pretty closed off. I keep wanting things to be just like they were before he left. He was always so affectionate. This time its a bit slow going. When we are around crowds of people he stiffens up and is always scanning the area. Poor baby. He just needs time to unwind so I've stepped back a bit and will allow things to just happen naturally. I have class this saturday but I think I am not gonna go so that he isn't overwhelmed by the kids for 8 hours. He hasn't had to take care of any kids for a while and when he did it was just the baby. So he's gonna have to ease into it. So far so good.
Wish us luck!

So relieved!

Well he made it!!! He is now in the states and in two days he will be home! I can't believe it and I am so excited. Now I can rest easy. He is out of harms way and ready to get home. The next few weeks are going to be great!!! Napa Valley here we come! I am in the process of getting my house together. Almost done completely but I still feel as if I am going to be racing against the clock. I try to change things a bit in the house every time he comes home from a deployment. I don't know why but I have to.
Anyhow I also am getting some lingerie and stuff for us. When he left I was pregnant and when he did come home for the birth I looked horrible. I was extremely swollen after because of all the medications I was given, (rough delivery), and so the swelling didn't go away until like, 2 weeks after my son was born, and my hubby was already gone. So I have lost all my pregnancy weight and am smaller than I was before I got pregnant with my son. My goal was to be as small as I was before I ever got pregnant but because of a back and wrist injury I haven't been able to work out as hard as I was. I look fine though and am happy but theres always room for improvement. Of course when we get in the same room together I am not gonna care! It's been WAY too long!

The waiting

I know its so close to him coming home but I can't help but feel a little down. I am rushing around getting my house in order and I still have so much I'd like to get done before he comes home but, well, I just want him home. It has been so long since I felt his touch, his embrace, his kisses, his skin or the warmth of his breath against my ear as he confesses his love. I miss him. The feeling is so intense I can't even describe it. It's like a craving. You know that feeling when you haven't eaten all day and you go to a resturant and order a nice, juicy steak and all you can think about is how good it is going to taste. It feels as if those minutes before it comes to your table last forever.
Yep that is how I feel.
Because it is close to him coming back I don't have the luxury of hearing his voice as much as usual. Him leaving Iraq is going to be quick and he won't be able to contact me until he is safely in Kuwait. I hate this part. The waiting.
I will be so happy when he gets home though. He tried so hard to surprise me with a getaway but we had an issue with a credit card, (cancelled because of inactivity), so he had to spill the beans. That's ok though. I was so shocked when he revealed where he is taking me. I had been drooling over this place but because of the price I thought it was a bit outrageous. Nothing is too high of a price though for him. I can't wait to go. Just me and him for a few days.
Till then I'll sit here and pout and wait.